arriving.

letter to my future husband.

the way a husband whispers to his wife.

Seems that God will stop at nothing to find me.

And not a finding like a game of hide and seek, as if I was lost and he was frantic for something he loved and couldn’t place.

It is much more aware than that. He knows where I am, where I’ve been, and has found me in these spaces time after time.

He’s simply looking to find me in a new place- out of the noise and distraction, away from the places he always pushes through to catch my attention, and inside of silence. He wants me wrapped up in the midst of the most silent moment, where he can show his face, and wrap me in the comfort of the truth of His love.

Talk to me like a husband whispers to his wife.

Look me in the face and remind me that I’m the most beautiful woman he has ever looked at.

Hold my hand and speak truths that I never hear in the every day chaos.

Kiss me over and over with the amazing fullness of his grace.

I desperately want this, too. I feverishly seek it in so many things, so many people- and at the end of every day I’m reminded once again it is nowhere else but in the silence. 

All of this time God has been relentless in finding ways of getting me alone. Not just reading the word in a coffee shop, not just while I pray during chapel or while walking a busy street or sleepily as I drift off to sleep, not in the midst of a huge worship service surrounded by people-

he has been placing me strategically all alone. No distractions, no friends to call, no options for fun, nothing to do or busy myself with. And while I spend every day claiming that all I want is a deeper intimacy with God, when it comes down to these quiet moments- I am truly scared. 

I’m afraid of the silence and the hard conversations it forces me to have with myself. Fearful of the discoveries I make about my imperfections when I have the time to peer into myself. 

It’s possible I’m even scared about the intimacy I seek with Jesus because it is truly a commitment- a marriage. And maybe I’ve been scared of something so deep, revealing, and honest…

I am learning that when I am finally still and calm, completely empty of self and committed to embracing being alone- He finds me in the exact way he jealously seeks.

And I fall in love all over again, deeper and deeper…

trading my heart for strings.

Its undoubtedly and wreckingly true- that our souls can become intrinsicly tied and knotted to others.

A certain song, a familiar setting, lingering scent, shapes, sheets, a look, a season- little subtle triggers that awaken the soul and shake our fragile hearts.

He told me I was beautiful in the early morning light as soon as I opened my eyes.

He kissed me by the ocean and his lips tasted of stinging salt.

He traced my spine in the dark.

He jumped in the freezing water with me completely clothed and we laughed, teeth chattering, while we froze in drenched clothes.

He cleaned up my spilled coffee when we met at the coffee shop.

He made the perfect playlist that repeated until dawn.

None of these moments were the same person, and yet one by one, detail by intricate detail, they spun and wove together into one massive, tangled ache.

Every person a new thread, every touch a new stitch- each time a memory pressed into my heart, there my soul was- tightly tied. 

Pieces of my purity stolen and carelessly given, weight carried from sharing promises unkept, intimacy robbed and cheapened every time I sold myself short.

Needle & thread, pull & stitch, tied & cut. Repeat.

The most tragic part to these invisible threads we sew is that we can be far away from the person we once loved- driving down a highway, reading a book, holding someone else’s hand, washing the dishes, laughing uncontrollably- and something as subtle as a scent or sound occurs, and our hearts car crash into that person.

The tiniest facets of that person and how they made you feel envelops you, consumes the newer places you’ve escaped to, and there they are- those invisible strings, still holding tight.

I never realized every relationship, every touch, every new kiss and promise- was a weighty trade. A piece of my heart given as currency for empty intimacy. 

What I have come to realize is that God longs to fulfill our wants and desires and passions so that we don’t settle for strings and remnants.

My body was tailor-made and formed by Him, my passions were given to me by Him, my heart, mind, and soul were artistically and beautifully thought up in His mind, and every ounce of this aching, broken mess- solely belongs to Him, and always, always has.

He obsessed over me before I existed, and He loves and broods over these leftovers.

These strings no longer have to rob me of my ultimate love story, because it is in His love, His fullness, His heart-wrenching, unending, obsessive chase after me that restores me. Builds me. And slowly, unties me.

I am now in love with Him, and that has made me whole.

God must be really working on me lately. I’ve found myself in my car suddenly starting to just cry…tears streaming down my face out of nowhere when I drive the city.

I have felt softened and broken…a truly real and tangible vulnerability I have sensed myself opening up to and experiencing.

I have felt this unexplainable sense of being stripped down, and actually being okay with being seen weak and not put together all of the time.

There have been times I have felt Him sweeping over me in this mighty rush of love. There really are no words to describe- but it’s never when I expect and it has brought me to my knees.

Im not sure what any of this means but I think for the first time in my life I have not just brought myself to the brink, but have dived into something deeper without worrying about looking back or a ledge to find safety on…

And it seems in the midst of these deep intricate waters, he has met me…swirling in and around me, cleansing me, running through me…

Epic Youth Summer Internship

1 Timothy- you are wrecking me.

1 Timothy 3

Leadership in the Church

 ^1-7If anyone wants to provide leadership in the church, good! But there are preconditions:

A leader must be well-thought-of, committed to his wife, cool and collected, accessible, and hospitable.

He must know what he’s talking about, not be overfond of wine, not pushy but gentle, not thin-skinned, not money-hungry. He must handle his own affairs well, attentive to his own children and having their respect.

For if someone is unable to handle his own affairs, how can he take care of God’s church?

He must not be a new believer, lest the position go to his head and the Devil trip him up. Outsiders must think well of him, or else the Devil will figure out a way to lure him into his trap.

 ^8-13The same goes for those who want to be servants in the church: serious, not deceitful, not too free with the bottle, not in it for what they can get out of it.

They must be reverent before the mystery of the faith, not using their position to try to run things. Let them prove themselves first. If they show they can do it, take them on.

No exceptions are to be made for women—same qualifications:

serious, dependable, not sharp-tongued, not overfond of wine.

Servants in the church are to be committed to their spouses, attentive to their own children, and diligent in looking after their own affairs. Those who do this servant work will come to be highly respected, a real credit to this Jesus-faith.

…he goes on to say later in chapter 4:

^11-14Get the word out. Teach all these things. And don’t let anyone put you down because you’re young. Teach believers with your life: by word, by demeanor, by love, by faith, by integrity. Stay at your post reading Scripture, giving counsel, teaching. And that special gift of ministry you were given when the leaders of the church laid hands on you and prayed—keep that dusted off and in use.

 ^15-16Cultivate these things. Immerse yourself in them. The people will all see you mature right before their eyes! Keep a firm grasp on both your character and your teaching. Don’t be diverted. Just keep at it. Both you and those who hear you will experience salvation.

__________________________________________

My entire life I considered myself a true leader- simply because I was given a stage, a place of authority, or a title. I thought I was a leader because I was able to talk Christianity and move like Christianity- but really I was just talent with a position; going through the motions.

What were my motives? What was I truly in it for? I don’t recall ever using my place of authority as a humbling opportunity to truly lead people by example, and I don’t think my heart was ever SOLELY focused and concentrated on using my God-given abilities to win people over for Him.

Even more sad is that I can remember actually thinking that I could be a leader and still continue to live my everyday life, for the most part, however I wanted to. Not divulging in complete sin- but partaking in things that were lukewarm. Listening to music and watching things that were “junking up” my heart. Saying and doing things without integrity and intention. Divulging in questionable activities and saying, “oh well- if people judge me that’s THEIR problem- I know who I am, and what I believe.” 

No worry, or deep concern for the hearts of others and the true gravity of the affect my life could have on others, ESPECIALLY as a leader. I seemed to use my position as a way to do, say, or act however I wanted to at times…

Digging deeper into the heart of God and learning what He is truly about has finally shown me how absolutely wrong I was. I’m disgusted by my actions, my thoughts, and the things I wrote off as okay because of ignorance, lack of humility, and way too much pride.

I love when Paul reminds Timothy: Teach believers with your LIFE. By your WORDS, by your DEMEANOR, by your LOVE, by your INTEGRITY.

This is so simple and so true. Anyone can preach and lead and sing and quote scripture and play the part, but what am I preaching when I’m NOT talking? When I’m not singing? When I’m not on a stage, in a spotlight?

This is what matters most.

Surprised my favorite neighbor/birthday boy with a funfetti cake! He gets almost as excited about cake as I do.

Perkins Rowe. I’ve spent countless nights here dining & walking around with some of the greatest friends. 

I adore this girl. So thankful for these friendships that are getting me through this time away from home…

Pink morning light.

early morning. happiness.

constantly find hidden hearts. little daily reminders of love.

powerful last night of the Perry Stone conference.

studying & shuffling.

I’ve been studying Colossians (and 1st/2nd Thessalonians) for awhile now- partly due to the busiest season of my life, and also due to choosing to read them over and over and over again. (I’ve mentioned this in previous posts- hasn’t changed.) They are so short, but the wisdom I’ve found in them and the themes that carry through out I have felt such a strong, urgent attachment to that I can’t shake…

I love when Colossians 1:15 says this-

“Christ brought you over to God’s side and put your lives together, whole and holy in his presence. You don’t walk away from a gift like that- you stay grounded and steady in that bond of trust, constantly tuned into the message, careful not to be distracted or diverted.”

I love this passage SO MUCH, and yet it also completely convicts me every single time I read over it. At first I love it because I read it in complete agreement thinking, “How could someone walk away from God? Why don’t people STAY in the word more? Why and how are others so easily distracted and dissuaded from God’s love??”… and then I sadly realize I MYSELF am one of those people at times.

What ELSE would God have to do for me to finally help me make him first in my life all the time?? What ELSE besides beautiful, grace-full, cost-free, complete salvation and freedom would he have to give me to cause me to lay down all else and finally seek his face without ceasing? Without distraction?

It sounds crazy but even internship itself has been a source of distraction for me from my time with God- the very program I’m in for the SOLE purpose of learning how to seek God’s face (know humility, receive discipline, learn how to disciple and be discipled) has the potential, like anything else, to pull my time and energies to it, and away from God. I’m realizing more and more that no matter how busy I am doing the work of the Lord, being involved and serving- and no matter where I go or what I’m apart of- if I’m not personally taking the time to discipline myself, maintain an orderly life and organized schedule, and keep my priorities in line, Jesus will start to come last. I’m realizing that in EVERYTHING I must have excellence, not only because Jesus did, but because excellence exudes into the details. When I manage my time wisely, when I get things done on time, when all that I touch is thorough and complete, when my life is orderly and not unkempt or unattended to- there is perfect balance and Jesus remains first. This realization has been HUGE for me lately, and I’ve finally been able to start to balance internship AND seeking God.

Colossians 2 says,

“I want you woven into a tapestry of love, in touch with EVERYTHING there is to know of God. THEN, you will have minds confident and at rest, focused on God…all the RICHEST treasures of wisdom and knowledge are embedded in that mystery and Thisnowhere else…”

THIS is what I want. I want to get so deeply immersed in the word that I know God at deeper levels and experience this contentment, wisdom, confidence and rest in Him. I want to live an ORDERLY life, so that nothing comes before seeking his face.

“You received Jesus. Now LIVE HIM. You’re deeply rooted in him, you’re well-constructed upon Him…Now DO what you’ve been taught. School’s out- quit studying the subject and start LIVING IT!”

This is another passage I’m so convicted by! I live under this impression that no matter how much I read and study, I’m still in “study” mode…it’s almost like an excuse to not have to go out into the world and be bold enough to speak and live the truth that I already know. This false sense that I’m still a baby christian and don’t know enough, am not perfect enough, and am not yet fully capable of truly sharing the love of Christ with others in my words and actions. It’s so simple- there’s nothing complicated about it. I complicate it with my insecurities and my selfish desires to live lukewarm, but I want to live CONFIDENTLY in this new life.

My most favorite passage recently that I keep reading over continuously for encouragement is the following:

“ENTERING INTO THIS FULLNESS IS NOT SOMETHING YOU FIGURE OUT OR ACHIEVE. IT’S NOT A MATTER OF A LONG LIST OF LAWS. NO- YOU’RE ALREADY IN- YOU ARE INSIDERS.”

SO amazing. So much relief, encouragement, and simple truth found in this.

And then lastly, Colossians 3 says this: 

“So if you’re SERIOUS about living this new resurrection life with Christ, ACT LIKE IT. Pursue the things over which Christ presides. Don’t shuffle along, eyes to the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up- be alert to what is going on around Christ- see things from His perspective.”

I want to stop living only a life of studying & shuffling. Shuffling along keeps me distracted with the immediate (what’s in front of me) over the eternal (what’s ahead of me). I know what Christ’s life looked like, and that’s how I want to live mine. 

Colossians ends with some amazing key words/characteristics that exemplify a true lifestyle like Christ’s. I’ve been studying them continuously and desire to have more of all of them in my life each and every day.

Diligence. Obedience. Compassion. Kindness. Humility. Quiet. Strength. Discipline. Even-tempered. Integrity. Content with 2nd place. Forgiving. Loving. Pure. Truthful. Not easy to anger. Thankful. Peace. Common Sense.

“Let the word of Christ have the run of the house. Give it plenty of room in your lives.”